The 36 questions to fall in love: the full list

In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues published The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness — a study in which pairs of strangers asked each other 36 increasingly personal questions, and walked out feeling remarkably close. One pair later married. A 2015 New York Times essay made the questions famous, and they have been making people fall a little in love ever since.

Here they are, complete and in their original order: three sets of twelve that gradually go deeper. Take turns reading each question aloud. Both of you answer, every time, starting with whoever read.

Free, no account, nothing leaves your phone. One phone between you, like a card deck.

Set One

It begins lightly. Twelve easy questions to warm up the room. There is no clock, so take the long way to every answer.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set Two

Twelve questions in. The next twelve sit closer to the heart. A good moment to pause, pour something, and continue when you are both ready.

1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
4. What do you value most in a friendship?
5. What is your most treasured memory?
6. What is your most terrible memory?
7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
8. What does friendship mean to you?
9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set Three

The final twelve. By now the questions know you a little. Let the silences happen. They are part of the conversation.

1. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Then: four minutes of eye contact

In the original study, pairs ended by looking into each other’s eyes for four minutes, in silence. It sounds like nothing. It isn’t. It is optional — and worth it.

A good way to do them

• In order. The sequence is the design: each set goes deeper than the last, and skipping ahead breaks the slow build the study relied on.
• Both answer everything. Whoever reads the question answers first. The reciprocity is what creates the closeness — it is never an interview.
• Don’t rush. Most pairs take an hour or more. The pauses and detours are the point, not a delay.
• One phone, or this page. Print it, read from the list, or use the app below — which keeps your place, works offline, and asks one question at a time so neither of you reads ahead.